delirium00 (delirium00) wrote in without_meds,

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my final jugdement

This is fucked up. I don't want to take these pills anymore. They aren't making me better but they're making me sick. They may have fixed me for awhile but not permanently and I am not the kind who enjoys being dependant. If I'm permanently delusional then how come I'm also all these other things. Like permanently anxious, permanently worried, permenantly obsessive and neurotic. How the hell are these pills helping with it?
I've made up my decision since the anxiety although utterly invisible has gone completely unhelped and unnoticed. The pills are only worsening my life. They only confuse me. I don't need confusion or delusions. I need some stability, pills arent stable. The reason is because even if I was permanently surgically induced into this state I'd be fucking insane. I'd be insane. I can't think on these pills. I get too contemplative. I get too weird. I'm not hallucinating right now...I think it's all gotten worse since i've been forced to take these pills. But nothing has been worse than being forced to hurt because you're taking pills. If i'm really schizophrenic then how come I still don't believe that i am? Why would it even matter if I was? When we were cave people did people have to suffer through hospitals? I'd rather go on my own self-destructive phase, let my liver eat itself, then go through with this bull anymore. i dont need to put GOD in PILLS. And I dont know if there is a god. But if there was I think that god seriously needs to get a life and fix me. Because I'd choose this so called god over these so called pills. It's just insane. This whole world is insane. I don't know where I'm going and when I get there I don't know where I've come from. It's all a circle. What I need really is love. That's true. i used to know that love was all you needed, that if I was in love then I could cure this so called insane disease. But no one loves me, that's why i'm sick. I think they could've figured it out by now. Schizophrenia is really just "Unloved Girl"...

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