delirium00 (delirium00) wrote in without_meds,
delirium00
delirium00
without_meds

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my final jugdement

This is fucked up. I don't want to take these pills anymore. They aren't making me better but they're making me sick. They may have fixed me for awhile but not permanently and I am not the kind who enjoys being dependant. If I'm permanently delusional then how come I'm also all these other things. Like permanently anxious, permanently worried, permenantly obsessive and neurotic. How the hell are these pills helping with it?
I've made up my decision since the anxiety although utterly invisible has gone completely unhelped and unnoticed. The pills are only worsening my life. They only confuse me. I don't need confusion or delusions. I need some stability, pills arent stable. The reason is because even if I was permanently surgically induced into this state I'd be fucking insane. I'd be insane. I can't think on these pills. I get too contemplative. I get too weird. I'm not hallucinating right now...I think it's all gotten worse since i've been forced to take these pills. But nothing has been worse than being forced to hurt because you're taking pills. If i'm really schizophrenic then how come I still don't believe that i am? Why would it even matter if I was? When we were cave people did people have to suffer through hospitals? I'd rather go on my own self-destructive phase, let my liver eat itself, then go through with this bull anymore. i dont need to put GOD in PILLS. And I dont know if there is a god. But if there was I think that god seriously needs to get a life and fix me. Because I'd choose this so called god over these so called pills. It's just insane. This whole world is insane. I don't know where I'm going and when I get there I don't know where I've come from. It's all a circle. What I need really is love. That's true. i used to know that love was all you needed, that if I was in love then I could cure this so called insane disease. But no one loves me, that's why i'm sick. I think they could've figured it out by now. Schizophrenia is really just "Unloved Girl"...

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I generally agree that pills aren't the answer since they don't solve anything; they just get rid of the symptoms. I believe a person is capable of fixing their own head.
But, I also have to say, schitzophrenia is pretty serious, and it gets worse from what I've heard. Do you have delusions? Anything that could make you dangerous? I just remember there used to be the "crazy lady" in our neighborhood where I grew up that ran around screaming to herself... I doubt you're like that.
Whatever the case, if you don't want to be on the meds, then stop. Don't let anyone force you. its YOUR body, YOUR mind. Be free.
Actually, schizophrenia doesn't always get worse. Furthermore, it is far more likely to get better without medication.

People diagnosed with schizophrenia who are not on antipsychotics are more likely to experience recovery than those taking the medication, according to an American study.

Over 15 years, schizophrenia patients not on antipsychotics showed more periods of recovery than those taking antipsychotics, states a research paper in last month’s Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease.

Researchers reported that, after 10 years, 79% of patients on antipsychotics were psychotic, whereas 23% of those not on medication were psychotic. After 15 years, 65 per cent of patients on antipsychotics were psychotic, whereas only 28% of those not on medication were psychotic.

...

The research was part-funded by America’s National Institute of Mental Health.

full article
awesome!
Thanks. I don't think there's anything that needs to be fixed. right now, anyways. i'm not taking pills and I'm perfectly fine. But no one is telling me I'm fine unless I'm fine when I'm on pills.

I think I am able to concentrate a lot better. It's just a matter of learning to cope without meds and the mindset of depending on them to think clearly.

i know how that is. People only notice you're being "good" when on the pills, and gives them the credit, but if you're "bad" when you're off, it must be because you're not on the pills. Screwy logic...
yes you're right. People's emotional lives get too entwined in yours. People who are "helping" in the long run only seem to be digging the ditch deeper. The chemicals may balance things in the short-term but they really don't give my life much balance. I am constantly in turmoil because of the anxiety that they make me feel. Nothing the doctor gave me for the anxiety helped and so it must be a sign that these pills are causing the side-effects of pain and anxiety. But the most worrysome thing is that I'm at the point where I could just not care anymore. All the back and forth conflict between people and trying to figure out who really is the sole boss of your mind. Is it my dad? Is it my doctor? Is it some strange guy I just met forty minutes ago who has a bottle of pills in his back pocket and the society that backs him up in the for-front? The other thing is...the pills have really screwed with my interest in changing the world. How can you change the world if you're not even allowed to change yourself?

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I am feeling better. It's been three days and I haven't taken the medication. I haven't told anyone. But the anxiety and stress was getting to the point where I really couldn't handle taking the pills. I don't know if it would be better to go cold turkey or not. I understand the people may believe that "schizophrenia" is this or that. I also have a kind of crazy neighbor. But she doesn't have any diagnosis...I think if you were really crazy crazy then you would be...meds or not.

When I was seventeen I took myself off the meds, I tapered down and I was off them for months before my parents started telling me that I had to get back on medication. They admitted me to an adolescent psych ward and got me back on medications. The experience changed me. When you are so bent on doing something and people turn around and change the circumstances it is impossible to beat an illness if you are left to a room all by yourself and left with only yourself to depend on when they are pretending you can even depend on these strangers.

I actually think I was brainwashed. If you look up what falls under the term brainwashed it's forced to believe something you don't believe and other things. Put through extreme stress to believe something you don't believe. Punished if you don't follow someone else's rules.

The thing is my doctor is really really horrible. He doesn't even taper the meds as it stands. He just writes prescriptions. And no one really understands the depth of meaning it's been to me. Why I actually thought i didn't need them in the first place. The hurt is to the point where i'd really like to leave and just forget about my family sometimes. Well, my parents are blind anyways.



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Yes I feel like the most realistic thing that is stemming this whole problem is that deep-seated psychological turmoil that I've been put through just to get on the meds and to rehabilitate in general. It's not just that I don't want to be taking pills, it's that I used to be sooo happy and so free. I used to be independant on a much higher scale. I think that I really have to learn to be unafraid of being free. And also unafraid of making mistakes. Not everyone is perfect. We all have our bad days. Thanks so much for the advice and for being supportive. The one thing that's really on my mind is the when will I be better? When will I have recovered? Is there something i have to go through? Some amount of time until people accept the proof that I am better and that I don't need pills every single day? How could I prove to them that I'm better? because if I had proof on my side they wouldn't have the right to lock people away who actually aren't sick.